How do I get here?!
Growing up in the small country town of Morgan in the Riverland, South Australia, my upbringing was full of sport, building cubbies, sleepovers, Sao biscuits with Vegemite, board games and the freedom to play outside without a worry in the world. This and my Papua New Guinea mother, instilled a super relaxed, calm and accepting nature of living in a place that provided a sense of community.
In my early 20’s, I honestly felt like I had hit the relationship jackpot! A great partner whom I could communicate openly with and these two beautiful children, whom I loved like my own - he came as package deal! It was beautiful! And like many families, we found ourselves on the hampster wheel of existing with mortgages, kid’s sport and dancing schedules, bills, laundry that neverrrrr ended ...life had its pressures and yet, it was a life that I absolutely loved and cherished.
After 10 years of living as a family, building what I thought was my till death do us part, my partner abruptly and brutally announced that this relationship was over.
Ummmmm yes. I said ‘announced’.
There was no, “Let's work this out.” There was no sticky conversation at the kitchen table with tears, tissues and a cup of tea. Or wine. There wasn’t even the opportunity to ‘fix’ what I didn’t even know was actually broken. Nope. He called it. He was done. There was someone else. It was over and I was told to simply deal with it.So I did. In the best way I knew how in that moment. I packed a suitcase of belongings and was dropped off at a friend’s house, broken, smashed heart in hand. The lights went out for me and it was bloody dark.
Finding myself in a world of pain, mistrust and confusion, I realised that I no longer trusted in the act of trust or love. How could I?? I clearly had had absolutely no idea that my partner was apparently so incredibly miserable and that my relationship was ending!
Seriously?! How did I miss that??
Years passed and I slowly began to rebuild my life, yet my heart remained in darkness. Untrusting of love and men, I couldn’t even bring myself to date. My body would go into a full trauma response, shaking, shivering, unable to breathe. I was a complete mess at any potential date opportunity. It was utterly tormenting because deep down I knew that I loved love and that I was a damn good person! But, I had built my protective walls so high, no one could climb them.
Losing all sense of who I was, constantly questioning my self-worth, feeling completely unattractive, unlovable and lacking trust in anyone, especially men.......and yet….
My relationship ending so abruptly and brutally was the greatest lesson in life and love that I could have ever asked for...
Seriously? Yes, seriously!
I met a man who was supposed to stay on the other side of my protective wall (but clearly his wall climbing skills were on point). This man became my lover, my muse, my friend; a man who gradually, slowly, brought love, laughter and trust back into my life, however ‘unconventional’ *wink*. Then, he invited me to experience my first Tantra workshop. With an open mind, I went in having no idea that this moment would light the fire of wanting to learn more about relationships and about myself. This workshop sparked a hunger for answers, an increased understanding and a deeper insight into all things love and relationships. This tantric experience blew my heart wide open! I came away knowing in my heart of hearts that I wanted more connection and more love in its deepest and fullest form!
This experience was a catalyst in attending various modalities over the years around Australia and the world. There was no plan on stopping until I completely understood why:
"Why isn’t love enough?”
“Why do we not ask for what we want even though we want it?”
“How do we manage to lose the ‘spark’?”
“Why don’t we have awkward conversations?”
“How do you end a relationship with integrity?”
“How do you keep a relationship in deep love?”
“How do you fix something that is only fractured and not completely broken?”
Clearly, I had a few pressing questions….In a nutshell, Tantra changed my life. But…
Initially, Tantra and Tantric teachings did blow my mind. However, the Tantric fog did lift and, as I moved through the modern, real world, as a woman, some of these Tantric principles no longer resonated with me. Words like ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ actually triggered me. Continually told that I wasn’t ‘feminine’ enough, these words were like fingers down an old school blackboard. I mean come on! How could I be this flowing and carefree, allowing my emotional energies to direct me in the ‘feminine’ when I was supporting myself, working full time, making my own decisions, paying my own bills and existing, quite proudly, as a strong and independent woman?! Where was the directionless ‘flowing tantric feminine’ damsel in that?? Although I love Tantra from personal practice perspective, it became very apparent that it was the more mainstream teachings with hints of Tantra that were most suited to this day and age.
Over the years, the most effective teachers were subtle, unsuspecting, yet super powerful. My experiences through these teachers were rich, yet self-paced and driven by my own self-investigation. Importantly, these teachings nourished my body and my life like...a big plate of broccoli and green beans! However, there were also those cleverly and super sexy marketed, intensely high-energy experiences, promising you the secret formula to healing but after all the hype, they lacked substance, often disguising breakdowns as breakthroughs. Sure, I got a rush and they made you feel on top of the world but, honestly, these experiences were the equivalent to the nutritional value of chips and chocolate, which at the time, taste ahhh-mayzing but inevitably leave you hungry and let’s be honest, these tasty morsels go straight to the hips! *ugh*
If you want to nourish yourself and your relationship, we all know that broccoli and green beans are clearly the best!
So… eat your vegetables!
It’s because I understand the devastation of heartbreak that I am fully committed to helping you find your own answers in life and love, whether you’re partnered or single.
With love, compassion and squishes,