Updated: Aug 16
If you're relying on 'love' alone to keep your relationships alive - you're kidding yourself!
Why do I know this? Because relationships end every day by people who love each other.
When you first meet someone, the 'honeymoon period' is influential, it's intense, and it feels fucking amazing. You tell all your secrets (sometimes you don't) and make a connection by sharing vulnerabilities. You choose this person as someone you want to invest your time in and see where things may go.
I can't claim this saying as my own, but I do love it - you're at the 'DICK-FOG' stage, and you're both in your little dick-fog of a bubble.
Dick-fog is where you see all their funny, their beauty and their quirks as 'cute'. You love this person so you have to take the good with the bad, as they do with your funny, beauty and quirks as well - fairs, fair!
Once the dick-fog lifts, you notice a few things that you would like to bring up, but you would have to "compromise". What’s on your mind is just petty, you can handle this; you're easy-going.
Relationships are about compromise, right?
It's hard to talk about things that seem so trivial because you don't want to sound like you're uptight, nagging or controlling, and you're in love with this person, so you'll just let it slide.
It'll work itself out.
You override your annoyances, and you soldier on all in the name of love.
You love so much about this person, and you're not going to let the small things get in the way of something that FEELS AMAZING!
And, because you love this person, you're going to keep all your 'stuff' to yourself because 'that's love'!
That is a form of love, but it's not authentic. What you think you're protecting your partner from by not bringing up the smaller, seemingly petty things, are only putting drops of resentment in your cup.
Over time your resentment cup is filling, and because it happens so slowly, you can't put the finger on what it truly is that is annoying you.
Now, you've both invested your time building a relationship, BUT you're feeling frustrated, annoyed and stifled. Something isn't working, but you love this person. You start thinking:
“Why isn't this working when I have been so accommodating?”
“Why is this so confusing?”
“I love this person, why do I feel stuck, why do I feel unfulfilled?”
In my opinion…
Being easy-going and accommodating doesn't work, not in the long term.
To love fully and authentically, to connect in the most profound intimacy and to GROW, you must….
Believe that the little things, no matter how petty, need to be discussed. By doing so you create safety and stay in harmony with your expression. You create a space where you know that your feelings will not be brushed off, put to the side or swept under the carpet.
It can start with a 'little thing' like milk….
If you haven't been honest that you don't like skinny milk and prefer the full cream kind; you can use this type of “little thing” as a softer gentle opportunity to practice how to ask for what you want.
The more authentic you are about the kind of milk you prefer, and being able to talk about that from a place of openness and kindness (rather than attack) will allow you opportunities to get your needs met.
Relationships require growth and change, and this can't happen when you're not getting your needs met.
Over the years, I have studied relationship courses and workshops, and I have pulled them apart, wanting to know why love isn't enough. These events address deep intimate connections, energies and more. Even though I find many of these practices beautiful and unique, what they never discussed was the milk.
So, when learning about relationships - bring it back to basic!
Many people believe that eye-gazing, exploring Tantric or attending conscious sexuality retreat will help you connect as a couple, and it can - if your relationship is ready for that stage.
But, unless you can address the milk and understand the dynamics behind the five aspects of authentic relating:
How to communicate effectively;
How to cultivate chemistry;
How to show up with clarity;
How to touch with confidence;
How to have uncomfortable conversations with safety;
All those hyped up overly sexualised Tantric' experts' are offering you a band-aid, but the wound remains; it's just covered!
You must do the work.
Learning about pleasure sometimes isn't pleasurable. However, you must be able to admit to yourself that love isn't enough. It's your duty as a partner to ensure you're constantly investigating who you are and reviewing your relationship, without just relying on love to get you through!
When my heart was hurting, I was vulnerable and desperate; this is why I am so passionate about teaching. Attending a handful of Tantra retreats does not make you a teacher; it makes you an enthusiast. I found that many teachers know jack shit about practical tools for people to improve their 'everyday' relating, but they're fantastic at building energetic experiences.
How do you do this?
By knowing love is only a tiny fraction of an intimate relationship and never becoming complacent.
Genuine connection comes down to your ability to always lovingly support each other.
Understanding the importance of creating safety around having open, honest, uncomfortable and sometimes petty conversations. Allowing both people to feel heard, valued and appreciated. Listening to, understanding, and accepting each other's needs even if they seem insignificant strengthens the relationship, deepening the sexual connection.
I love teaching you how to simplify your relationship so you can deepen that love, continually grow, embrace change, and appreciate each other's love of skinny or full-cream milk.