Updated: Aug 16
Leave your pleasantries for your parents….
Many of us were raised by parents who valued a child who was well behaved, obedient, easy to get along with, shares, is quiet, doesn’t disturb others, plays nice, does as they are told and, most important, is nice and polite at home and especially in public. Now, this isn’t bad parenting - it’s just parenting.
All of these traits are highly regarded to ensure that you fit into society's mould of being a ‘model citizen’, however, at no fault of your own, these same traits that make you a great child/member of society are the same that are definitely NOT behaviours that will deepen your relationship. Unfortunately, because conforming and not causing trouble has been taught to you since day one, you will have behavioural patterns so ingrained into how you relate to other people, being praised for thinking about others is what is also contributing to why your intimate relationship can feel like it’s not working and how resentment slowly creeps in to strip the love from your connection, leaving you wondering why your needs are not being met.
These three things do not belong in your intimate relationship:
#1 Being laid back and easy-going does not belong out of bedroom
Parents would LOVE to have an easy going child who didn’t cause any fuss, made life easy and this is something that many parents brag about and other parents envy. However, as a grown-arsed adult in an intimate relationship (some with children of your own) your laid backness is going to have the complete OPPOSITE affect on your partner. If one person is making the majority of the decisions within the household, for example appointments, following up, children, sports, chores, school events, pets, grocery shopping, dinners, social functions, laundry and the bringing home milk and bread for the morning while working a job either full time or part time on top of the list, which is a relatively short list, things that just came to me as I write this blog. Australians pride themselves in being laid back and easy going, but you need to save this for you parents. In your relationship, you’re in it with a partner so you might ‘think’ you’re being an easy going partner but YOU’RE NOT A CHILD anymore and earning a pay packet isn’t enough and BOTH people need to share the load and contribute. And, if you don’t what you think is being an easy going person can also be seen as lazy, disinterested and your lack on contribution can make you feel more like a child and this is NOT SEXY, EVER!
Don’t expect your partner to ravish you like a lover, unless you actually contribute to the ‘relationship’.
#2 Being nice and polite doesn’t belong in the bedroom
Now, this is a little tricky because you’re hardly going to be turned on to what seems more like an adult child than a love. However, the same rules apply that ‘nice and polite’ doesn’t belong in the bedroom. If it’s left up to one person to be the main initiator for sex, intimacy or affection this leaves the same person being open to be rejected or feeling a like they have to badger you for touch, affection or sexual connection. If you do find yourself in the throws of rolling around between the sheet YOU HAVE TO CONTRIBUTE or the sex is going to get pretty boring and pretty quickly. Now, before you get all uppity, I am not telling you to push your boundaries or put on stripper moves that feel fake. But, I am telling you that if your partner asks you what you like and your reply is “do whatever you want” but if you were to be honest with yourself in your thoughts you’re saying ‘are you done yet’ and this certainly doesn’t help your relationship outside of the bedroom. Here’s the perpetual problem. Being nice and polite between the sheets is the equivalent to being ‘easy-going’ out of the bedroom you too are going to come across like you’re lazy, disinterested and that you’re not contributing and THIS IS NOT SEXY….EVER!
If you have no clue what you like then you need to book in a session with me so we can get you on path of exploring ways to broaden your erotic menu.
#3 Hoping things will change or improve…
If you want your relationship to be strong and healthy it’s super important that you be open to learning new ways to relate and have your thoughts provoked. Healthy relationships will want to learn and grow together. They will see it as an crucial part of relationship maintenance because they respect that people, body’s, arousal, flavours and modern day pressures will constantly change.
The key to a successful relationship is this...
We have to learn as a couple to have really open, honest and uncomfortable conversations so that both people feel heard, valued and appreciated. This will then create relationship certainty leaving people feeling loved and supported. It is the love and the support that makes people feel safe. It is the safety that will give people the courage to ask for what they need to deepen the sexual connection.
But without feeling loved and supported and safe sexual connection may stay the same, or even dwindle but it will never deepen.
With relationships ending and divorce doesn’t surprise anyone anymore, the question is do you want to be a statistic or do you want to deepen your relationships lovingly and openly because it’s important to you. Instead of thinking ‘Why is our relationship failing’ let’s change that to ‘What am I going to do so that it doesn’t’. And because I’m a woman who says it straight, I will give you everything you need and nothing that you don’t. I won’t gift-wrap the truth even if it stings a little bit.
This is why learning about relationships is so important and I am here to precisely to help singles and couples who are wanting their relationships to stay fresh and not be a statistic or experience heartache (like I did). I wished what I am now offering was around when my relationship ended, knowing what I know now, our relationship was fractured and not broken - we could have saved it with some guidance.
Get real; realistic and practical tools to have a better relationship and better sex.
Big hugs and big loves,