On a hot summer Friday night after some tacos and sangria with my awesome friend Moo, as I drove home, Savage Garden’s song Universe came on the playlist. I couldn’t help but tune into the words and how fitting they were to my thoughts at the time: “… Universe inside of your heart, you’ve got to let me know so you can be free, baby. You wanted it so much and now that it's over. You don't know what you want….” Darren Hayes’s voice is as sexy as the lyrics in this very romantic song, about not knowing what you want. This song made me want to write about why (& how) asking for what you want is the primary way to achieve sexual satisfaction. Without this skill and it is a learned skill, all your other tips and tricks in bed will not satisfy. Here’s why...
Before we even learned how to speak, we were learning about touch. With our hands, we felt our way through the world to make sense of it; this is how we discovered what felt good as we explored without fear or judgement.
What we didn't know was, at no fault of our own, we were also learning something else. As we were growing up, we had to go along with things that we didn't want to do, e.g. bedtime, brushing our teeth, kissing grandparents, participating in school concerts or the dreaded sports day, grocery shopping, etc. We were learning to 'go along with things’ because we were taught that this was how to be a good child by doing as we were told, even when we didn’t want to.
As we were going along with things that we didn't really want even if sometimes it was for our own good, and sometimes it really, really wasn't, we were learning that those things we ‘were supposed to do’ were more important than how we felt about it.
As we got older, this was how to please our parents and how we got 'praised' and we got used to it. We got used to tolerating and enduring what we didn't want or what we didn't ask for. We basically stopped asking for what we wanted or desired, and we got used to having our boundaries crossed and standards violated - from made to share toys at a 3 year old or having to sit at the kids table at age 13. When we tried to speak up, we were often told that we were ‘back-chatting’, ‘the world doesn't revolve around you’, 'share', ''dont' be selfish' and to ‘stop thinking about yourself’, etc and for some, the consequences were potentionally frightening.
This is why asking for what you want is a SKILL. For some, you have an entire lifetime of the practice of not honouring what you truly want or need, which is why when you ask some people what they want, their automatic response is 'whatever is easy', 'whatever you want' or 'it doesn't bother me; I’m easy-going' – no one wants to be a burden. However, when an adult relationship requires you to respond as an adult who is actively contributing as opposed to the 'well-trained' child trying not to cause any trouble.
That is why I am always banging on about how being ‘polite and easy-going’ can be so toxic and why I encourage uncomfortable, awkward but AUTHENTIC conversations.
Sometimes we have to learn all over again that we do in fact have a choice and it is the CHOOSING that is the most important thing. This can feel extremely foreign for a lot of people, which can feel wildly uncomfortable.
Your intimate relationship requires you to re-learn these skills because let me ask you….
"When was the last time you were touched in the exact way your body wanted
to be touched?" "When was the last time you actually asked to receive?" It takes courage to ask because of our conditioning. So, do you then complain that you don't get what you need and want? Do you blame your partner for not knowing or giving you what you want? How much of that is your responsibility and how much is your partner's responsibility?
Is asking for what you want easy?! HELL NO. It’s SUPER hard. It's scary. I’ve been studying this very skill for years & I constantly have to pull myself up on how I ask for things and I quite often have to stop myself, pause, think and then re-frame my request, so that it's not sugar-coated.
It takes deep listening to yourself, a deep trust, and true sense of valuing and honouring what you need to feel loved, trusting your own body and owning your wants & desires and then having the skills to be able to communicate it both cleanly and clearly AND allow yourself to be heard!
How the magic of sexual satisfaction happens...
Sometimes it's time to put yourself last (put your desires aside) and go with what others want, and sometimes it's time to put yourself first (put your desires forward) and go with what you want. And when you ask for something you truly desire and if the other person says yes to your request – this is a gift for you – this is receiving; this is where the magic happens.
There is an art to receiving that no one teaches us. We think we're supposed to like whatever happens to us and be thankful for it, but we've got it backwards. The thing to ask yourself is not “why don't I like this”. What you need to ask yourself is “what is it that I actually want” instead. When you can tune into what you actually, truly want and then have the skills to ask for it, and you get EXACTLY what you asked for, it touches your heart and feeds your soul. It starts with knowing your body and noticing, trusting, valuing and listening to YOUR needs, wants and desires; this is where the magic happens.
We think that generous means you're willing to GIVE anything, but we've got it wrong. When you can give with generosity and a full and whole heart. We want to give in a way that our chosen partner feels loved and supported and not to mention satisfied. Telling yourself that you prefer to give doesn’t always mean that you are actually giving because you can only really give what has been asked for and if you're giving wasn’t actually asked for, are you really giving? When we give what we can and not what we can't, we can give with a full wholehearted ‘f**k yes’. When you’re able to give ‘exactly’ what was asked for and honour your own limits, this is where the magic happens.
When we acknowledge our own limits first, we unlock our generosity within those limits. It is respecting your limits first, the joy of giving can truly be felt, then the magic of generosity and giving happens – not the other way around.
This is when our partner can then feel safe in their asking to receive, knowing that if we say yes, the gift we give is real because the 'yes' is real and within our limits/safety and we're are not tolerating or enduring or obligated – it's a genuine and authentic gift, which is beautiful and amazing. It touches our hearts as the giver, and it touches the receiver's heart and feeds us both; this is how SATISFACTION is created and felt.
The MAGIC of SATISFACTION is truly receiving what you have ASKED for.
This is a skill I will teach you how to do with integrity and clarity by showing you 3 magic questions so that both people understand who is giving and who is receiving people feel sexually satisfied.