WHY SOME CAN'T TRUST LOVE

WHAT HANDLING HIS ESTATE TAUGHT ME

This week, handling Brodie's estate is finally coming to a close. Thank god.

It's been beautiful. And stressful. But not for the reasons you'd imagine.

Death could be a beautiful experience that brings people together to celebrate the person we loved. But that wasn't my experience.

Days after his death, literally days, while I was experiencing drop-to-my-knees crippling pain, others were contacting lawyers.

What absolute fuckery.

So instead of processing my grief, I was defending myself and him. But he would've done the same for me. I absolutely also understand the there can be two realities for the same situation.

But people's behaviour also uncovered things I wasn't prepared for. Answers to questions I'd carried for years about why he struggled the way he did.

Going through someone's estate is like reading their autobiography backwards. Some choices are laugh-out-loud funny. Others leave you asking why. Then there's the eye-opening realisations of struggles and sadness.

But nothing has been a real surprise.

WHY DO SOME STRUGGLE TO TRUST LOVE EVEN WHEN ITS REAL?

Because you were taught early that love isn’t safe.

If the love you experienced as a child or adult was controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic, it means affection has conditions. Every gift or gesture comes with a cup of poison. Vulnerability gets punished or used against you.

So even when real, unconditional love shows up, you take time to believe it. You wait for the catch. You test. You withhold. You protect yourself from a threat that isn’t there.

Not because you’re broken. Because you were trained that love comes with ghosts who come back to haunt you… later.

But once you trust the love, you love hard. And it’s obvious.

Brodie loved proudly, openly, and deeply. But from a distance. Unbelievably close, yet far. It’s hard to explain.

There’s no way in hell he could fully commit to any relationship with a woman. I always thought it was personal preference. Now I see he was incapable of it. Because women and love together were never to be fully trusted.

This makes sense of why he wanted to learn about love by attending Tantra Workshops. We did them for years and attended the same events multiple times. It was only through this that he was able to be 100% emotionally available. Deeply vulnerable. It was these teachings that cracked his heart open.

Beforehand Tantra, his love was surface level, light hearted and fun.

But he still struggled with relationships especially with women.

If he felt his love had to be labelled, his famous “Not a fucking chance” would fly out of his mouth and he would flee back to work, overseas or go inwards. I would watch him do this over and over again with women. Luckily, I never needed to label anything and I knew that if you let him be free, he went deeper. Which suited me perfectly. Depth meant more to me than anything else. I loved what we had. It worked for us. And blind Freddy could see the love we had for each other for over a decade.

His love was raw, real, and rock fucking solid. Everyone knew it.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEARN LOVE IS CONDITIONAL?

You learn that interactions are purely transactions.

A narcissist parent or partner doesn’t teach connection. They teach performance and persona. You don’t get love for being yourself, you get approval for being useful for the things you do. For making them look good. For validating them. You’re an object, not a human.

This makes you question love. There’s a push-pull. You want to be loved without being controlled. You love love, but fear being trapped because you only know love with conditions.

What an absolute mind fuckery.

It’s like waiting for the boogeyman.

And when love shows up with consistency, honesty, and warmth — you don’t trust it straight away. Because you’re waiting for the catch, the conditions, or the cup of poison that comes with the love.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR INTIMACY STRUGGLES COME FROM THIS?

About your parent:

• Did you have to earn love through performance or achievement?

• Did they use guilt, manipulation, or gifts to keep you close?

• Did they have one persona for the public and one at home?

About your patterns with partners:

• Do you feel safer with people who are hard to pin down than those who are consistent?

• Do you struggle to believe they genuinely love you without wanting something?

• Do you withhold emotionally, financially, or physically to feel in control?

About what scares you:

• What scares you more — being alone, or being trapped in love?

• Do you sabotage relationships when they feel “too good” because you’re waiting for it to fall apart?

• Can you commit fully, or do you always keep one foot out the door?

If you answered yes to more than one — this isn’t because you’re not good at relationships. This is about being programmed by manipulative narcissist.

Here’s what handling Brodie’s affairs has taught me:

I fucking love and appreciate men. My respect for men has deepened because of this process. The support I’ve received from men, some I barely know, men who owed me nothing has been honourable. I have never felt so cared for, so protected, so held by those who too loved Brodie who just stood beside me, supported me, held space for my grief and tears, listened to me, and encouraged me.

It’s been stunningly beautiful.

Men often get a bad wrap. They’re told they’re the problem. These neanderthals who don’t feel anything or don’t know how to love properly. That they’re emotionally stunted, unavailable, selfish.

Well… that’s not what I’ve seen. I now know that good men often suffer in silence. They've shared their pain, their hurt, their anger and they haven't held back.

I’ve seen men carrying damage they didn’t ask for. I’ve experienced men cry deeply. I’ve heard their point of view of women, mothers, and grief.

You deserve to love without fear. To trust without testing. To be close without waiting for the trap.

You deserve to be supported to break the cycle you didn’t ask for.

Because my learning over the past six months has been from a man’s perspective, this statement is specifically to men: the world needs you and the love you have to offer.

Brodie reached out and asked for help. He tried new things — like a Tantra Retreat — because he knew there was more to life. It changed everything he knew about love, especially towards women.

And there’s a good woman out there waiting for you. Waiting for your love, your heart, your depth, your affection. Ready to love you and support you. But it takes two people willing to do the work even when it gets tough.